My dad and his guitar

I grew up listening to my dad playing the guitar. He was often plucking out one tune or another. My dad was also a fan of Linda Ronstadt. One day he started playing "I Never Will Marry". We had heard this song many times as he listened to it on the record player. As he played, one sister and I began to sing along. My sister sang the melody and I sang back up. We thought we sounded really good. We put our hearts into the song as we sang it. We practiced a bit with our dad and talked about singing in front of an audience.

Then one day my dad quit playing the song and all our begging and pleading would not change his mind. He reasoned that we were just way too convincing with the words. I guess he thought we might believe the words we sang.

Here are the words to that beautiful song.

I Never Will Marry

They say that love’s
a gentle thing
But it’s only brought me pain
For the only man I ever loved
Has gone on the morning train

Chorus:

I never will marry
I’ll be no man’s wife
I expect to live single
All the days of my life.

Well the train pulled out,
the whistle blew
He’s gone, he’s gone,
like the morning dew
And left me all alone.

Chorus:

I never will marry
I’ll be no man’s wife
I expect to live single
All the days of my life.

Well there’s many a change
in the winter wind
And a change in the cloud’s design
There’s many a change
in a young man’s heart
But never a change in mine

Chorus:

I never will marry
I’ll be no man’s wife
I expect to live single
All the days of my life.

Picture of my twins in '96

Music and memory

In the mid to late 1980s a young 13 year old girl in my neighborhood was found dead in some bushes not far from her home. Her throat had been slit. When the news hit the next day it didn't sink in much. I wasn't paying much attention to the story and didn't recognize her name.

Later that day I was watching the news when they showed her picture along with the story. Not only did I know her, but she was the younger sister of a girl who had gone to school with me. It was then that I was hit with a powerful feeling of grief for the girl and her family. This was just too close to home.

Sometime in the next couple days I heard a song on the radio that seemed to speak to the occasion. I heard Mike and the Mechanics singing "All I Need is a Miracle".

I said "go if you wanna go,
Stay if you wanna stay"
I didn't care if you hung around me
I didn't care if you went away
And I know you were never right
I'll admit I was never wrong
I could never make up my mind
I made it up as I went along

And though I treated you like a child
I'm gonna miss you for the rest of my life

All I need is a miracle, all I need is you
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you

I never had any time
And I never had any call
But I went out of my way just to hurt you,
The one I shouldn't hurt at all
I thought I was being cool
Yeah, I thought I was being strong
But it's always the same old story
You never know what you've got 'til it's gone

If I ever catch up with you
I'm gonna love you for the rest of your life

All I need is a miracle, all I need is you (all I need is a miracle)
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you (all I need is a miracle)
All I need is a miracle, all I need is you

From that day on whenever I heard that song on the radio I was swept back to that day when I saw that young girl's face on the TV screen. I can totally forget about her and about the song. Then I will hear the song on the radio and I see her face and remember.

My Big Fear

I am in a local Super Store with my teenage son buying a pair of gym shorts and shoes for his Fitness class at school. At the end of a very long isle is a light brown patio umbrella. It is January and I know, for a fact, that stores do not start the summer patio displays until March or April. But there it is. Most people would not even notice it nor give it a second thought. My son, in fact, has no idea it is there—even when I point it out to him.

But for me, the patio umbrella is somewhat of an enigma. I can tell you a lot about them. I can tell you what colors they come in; the different styles that are available and where you can buy them. I can tell you which stores carry them and which do not. But I do not have the foggiest idea what is written on the price tag. I can’t get close enough to find out.

The hitch to all this is that I am unbelievably terrified of them. I am so terrified; in fact, that I would rather die than face the underside of one of them.

I have never known a time when these objects did not scare the daylights out of me. When I was a kid my parents had a great big one. Giving a description of it is enough to send me spinning. It was green with white fringe around the edges. I can manage to tell you what it looked like from a distance, but if I try to tell what it looked like from the underside I ...I just can't go there, though I know what it looked like.

My parents tried to calm my fears though they figured it was a passing childhood fear and that I would eventually grow out of this fear. Then one day, after my dad did some research, he learned I had a bona fide phobia. As an adult I would go to hypnosis and other therapy with no improvement.

Phobias, I learned, did not involve actually being afraid of the object or situation. It was the fear of being afraid that perpetuated the phobia. I had felt something akin to fear when faced with one of these objects. Subconsciously, I never want to feel that again. I refuse to go near them. It is like there is an invisible barrier between them and me. I can feel them when I am not looking. All it takes is to see one of them out of the corner of my eye and I jump.

I can tell myself that they are harmless sources of shade. But, does my subconscience listen? NO!

Our Hike to Cecret Lake

My husband and I decided to go on a hike for our anniversary a few years ago. Our goal was to hike to a place called Cecret Lake. We obtained maps. But the maps were a bit vague and only got us as far as the trail head. From there we were supposed to follow some posted signs that would direct us to the lake.

We set out on the trail along with several others who wanted to reach the lake. We walked along what was a rather easy path until we got to a washed out section of the trail. Not knowing that the trail continued on past the obstacle in our path we noticed what looked like it ought to be the trail. We found that some of the others had also chosen to follow that path. It also started out as an easy trail to follow.

Soon, however, the terrain began to be a bit steep and navigating it began to be quite a challenge. But we had been told that the trail was not an easy one. We continued pursuing the trail before us. As lunch time neared we found a bit of a clearing and realized we were not going in the direction of the lake. We wondered if the trail would wind back in the right direction.

As we ate our lunch we were joined by others who had been diverted to the same path we were on. We began to question whether the trail we were on would take us to the lake or somewhere else. We decided to send one person on a bit further to investigate where the path would take us.

When our designated person returned we learned that the path we were on would lead us nowhere—at least, nowhere we wanted to be. We all decided to turn back. We had already spent a good part of the morning following the incorrect path and many wondered if it was even worth their time to try and find the right trail.

My husband and I, along with a few others, decided to go back to the last place we had seen a sign post. After a short time we found the sign and once again began our quest to reach the lake. We soon found the place where the path had been washed out and saw that others were on the other side of that obstacle. We easily walked around it and soon we were on the trail again.

The rest of the trail was not an easy hike, but we knew we were on the right path. We began to see more and more signs giving us more and more direction to keep us on the right path that would take us to the lake. The path began to be very steep and narrow. But the signs remained and we continued on our course.

As we came around one last bend we spotted the long sought after Cecret Lake. It was a very small lake. But the beauty surrounding it was well worth the trek we had made to reach it. A few minutes after we reached the lake we turned to see some of those who had been on the wrong path with us had also made it. We rejoiced at seeing each other, knowing that we had persevered and won.

Why do I tell this story? This is a story about faith. No matter how much faith we had put in the first path we took it would not get us to our desired location. It was not until we decided to change our course that we found the path where our faith would help us obtain the prize. There were many who simply lost all faith and never reached the sought after lake.

Just as it is in life—we often place our faith in things and people who will lead us away from the only path that will help us reach our desired destination—that of returning to God, our Heavenly Father. It is not until we place our faith in Jesus Christ and His guides that we may obtain that which we seek.

There are many people along the way who may profess to be His guides or those who simply misguide us. Like those we followed on the first path who thought they knew the way. And just as in life, we often come to what we perceive to be obstacles or stumbling blocks that divert our attention away from the real path.

We may find that we have been diverted from the only path that will take us where we want to be. It is then that we must change our course or lose our way. It is then that we often wonder how can we know what path will lead us there. This is a question we all may ask. How can we know? Who can we trust? How can we be certain when there are so many voices insisting we must follow them—that they are right?

Dennis DeYoung of the rock group Styx so aptly penned these thoughts in their hit song--

Show Me the Way:

Every night I say a prayer in the hopes that there's a heaven.
And everyday I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay
And I feel this empty place inside so afraid that I've lost my faith.

Show me the way, show me the way
Take me tonight to the river and wash my illusions away.
Please show me the way.

And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just won't know.

Show me the way, Show me the way
Bring me tonight to the mountain and take my confusion away
And show me the way

And if I see a light, should I believe
Tell me how will I know...

This hike to Cecret Lake taught me that Faith is more than words of praise to our Lord. As the prophet Alma taught:

"And now as I said concerning faith—faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

"But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe..." (Alma 32:21,27)

And then Moroni later added:

"Behold, I would exhort you that when ye shall read these things, if it be wisdom in God that ye should read them, that ye would remember how merciful the Lord hath been unto the children of men, from the creation of Adam even down until the time that ye shall receive these things, and ponder it in your hearts.

And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost.

And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things." (Moroni 10: 3-5)

Service and happiness

In recent intereactions with a friend I came to realize that service truly is a means to happiness. We are most happy when we reach outside ourselves and think about the needs of others.

As a teenager I thought it was cool to cut other people down. It made me feel somewhat better than the other person. One day I was hanging with a friend while putting down every remark he made. My friend had had enough. I was not a friend to him. I was mean and he didn't want to be around me. He explained all this to me as calmly as he could muster.

I felt like finding a hole to climb in. I needed a portable hole to duck into. But there I was. I had to just sit there and face this person who had just pointed out a horrible truth about me.

Later that night when I returned home I resolved that I would never be in that situation again. I would never put anyone down as long as I could help it. But I did not stop there. I continued with my resolution. I would go around lifting rather than putting down. I have not always succeeded, but that day opened up a whole new world to me.

I went from being a rather introverted 16 year old to an outgoing 17 year old. As I walked the halls of my high school between classes I found something nice to say about everyone I passed. Sometimes I had to search, but the task I had set for myself became increasingly easier as time turned into years.

A side affect of this new attitude was that I found I had a lot of friends. People liked being around me...not because I was all that great, but because I found the good in them.